The Stephanie Miller Show

Although this biography is fact-based, some falsehoods have been added for comic effect.

Stephanie grew up as an ugly child on the mean streets of Lockport, NY. She attended private Catholic school for 12 years, not surprising for the daughter of a prominent Republican.

Her father, William E. Miller, was a 14-year congressman and RNC chairman for 3 years. He guaranteed his inclusion in almanacs by being Barry Goldwater’s running mate in 1964. If he had been a Democrat, Fox News would sum up his career as “failed vice-presidential candidate Bill Miller.”

At some point, Stephanie stopped being Republican, Catholic, and ugly.

These days, Stephanie (a.k.a. “Stephie”, “Steph”, “Momma”) is a successful radio host based in Los Angeles. Stephanie lives with an unknown number of mice and 3 large dogs: a beautiful Great Pyrenees, an adorable Newfoundland, and a mentally challenged Saint Bernard. Stephanie has never been married, though she has expressed an affinity for firemen, as well as men 25 to 54 with Arbitron diaries.

Stephanie is a wine aficionado, sometimes even buying it in bottles instead of boxes. Her youthful good looks can be attributed to favorable genes, regular exercise, a positive attitude, and minor plastic surgery.

The Early Years: Stephanie graduated from USC with a major in the challenging field of Theater. She claims that one of her first jobs was as a dancer at the “Itchy Kitty” in the L.A. suburb of Reseda, but this has been refuted by people who have seen her trying to dance. Instead, Stephanie started in stand-up comedy at the Laugh Factory in L.A. She periodically returned to stand-up throughout her life, but Stephanie also began pursuing a career in radio as a refuge from audience projectiles. According to satisfied station managers, her “talents” allowed her to progress quickly from WNYS in Buffalo, to WCMF in Rochester, to morning co-host at WCKG in Chicago, to her 4-year run as morning co-host on WQHT (”Hot 97″) in New York.

Late 1993: Stephanie gets her own weekend show on L.A. station KFI, then quickly gets the weeknight slot where she builds top ratings over the next year and a half. Her big break comes in June 1995 when the folks at Disney offer Stephanie her own syndicated late night TV show. They convince her to leave radio, assuring her that her new show will be just as instantly successful as EuroDisney.

September 1995: Stephanie achieves national fame as late night TV audiences are introduced to The Stephanie Miller Show. Almost 1.5% of TV households tune in. Here are actual late night guest listings from October 25:

Leno - Riddick Bowe, Rodney Dangerfield, Lori Loughlin;

Letterman - Jennifer Aniston, Salt n’ Pepa, Richard Harris;

Miller - Lea DeLaria, hog caller Roxanne Ward.

The show is canceled after 13 weeks. No matter; surely this one setback couldn’t stall a career as hot as Stephanie’s.

1996: [crickets]

1997: Stephanie lands a part in the movie Just Write starring Jeremy Piven. She plays an executive assistant, a step up from her usual role as “herself”. She has about a dozen lines and uses about two dozen facial expressions. In June, Stephanie returns to talk radio at L.A. station KTZN. Within a few months, she moves to sister station KABC and becomes nationally syndicated using the lucky title The Stephanie Miller Show.

September 1997 - June 1998: While continuing her radio show, liberal Stephanie is paired with conservative Bay “don’t call me Pat” Buchanan on the CNBC show Equal Time. The show’s premise is to review the politics of the day from a female perspective, so Bay Buchanan’s role is somewhat puzzling.

1998 - 1999: Stephanie finds time for some guest appearances on Politically Incorrect and does a brief stint as host of the optimistically-named Fox Family Channel series Show Me The Funny.

Early 2000: Stephanie starts her association with the Oxygen cable network as host of I’ve Got a Secret. About 120 episodes of the revived classic game show are taped through August 2001, though reruns of the show air for years. Former hosts and panelists from the 1950s and ’60s spin in their graves, including those who are not dead yet.

March 2000: Stephanie is fired from KABC. She cites management hostility and ever-increasing content restrictions, but essentially it’s a disagreement about fart sounds (Stephanie is pro-fart). National syndication continues for a few more months.

January 2001 - June 2002: Stephanie co-hosts Oxygen’s magazine show Pure Oxygen, broadcast live each weekday from New York. Think ‘local morning show’ except with a smaller budget. Stephanie is hilarious during the cooking segments.

Summer 2002 - Summer 2004: [crickets, please stop the crickets, how much wine must I drink to stop the crickets...]

September 7, 2004: After two years of meticulous planning, Stephanie jumps on the progressive talk bandwagon with a syndicated radio show named (–wait for it–) The Stephanie Miller Show. The original working title was considered too lengthy (Jim Ward’s Voice Extravaganza hosted by Stephanie Miller). Things are a bit dicey until George W. Bush is “re-elected” in November, thus ensuring four more years of material.

Official Website: http://www.stephaniemiller.com/